The World According to Steve

If I told you that 2 + 2 = 5, you would probably raise an eyebrow and question where I received the basics of my education as a child. Arithmetic is a core principle for children as they journey through their early years of elementary school.

Let me tell you about another core principle that involves math, however this one took place in high school for most of us. If you go to White Castle, you have to buy more than one hamburger. Pretty clear right? Just like...the sky is blue, your name is a noun, a square has four sides, only use No. 2 pencils on scan trons, and dodgeball is the best sanctioned recess game ever (kissing catchers of course is non-sanctioned). Anyone care to explain this to my wife?

My lovely mother-in-law decided to bring over dinner for my wife and I Sunday evening, but before doing so called to ask my wife what she wanted from White Castle? Jami proceeded to have her purchase one cheeseburger for me and one cheeseburger for her. What in the fuzzy math made her think that was okay?

There are numerous things that come in pairs that are universally acceptable that we all love like...shoes, earrings, front teeth, gloves, contacts, twins, weekends, skates, wings, chopsticks, dice, windshield wipers, crutches, ski's, kidneys, and lungs. But never White Castles. There is a reason they sell them in a 'Sack-of-Ten'...so she can have a sack and I can have a sack. Once again, another very acceptable pair.

I actually had planned to write this entry yesterday, however 1) that was Mother's Day and I felt it may be to rude to comment on "her" day 2) I was way to famished to type at length and if I would have wrote yesterday the entire entry would have read something like this...."Wife bought one slider. Starving to death. Send Big Mac. Hurry." Now that I am fully recovered, the entire story can get out. If the President ever decides that the country needs to become fiscally conservative he can......ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Sorry, I just caught the irony...he can ask my wife to become the Nourishment Czar, socialize food rations for the nation, and we will save millions while at the same time slash our population by nearly one-third. You see there is always a silver lining, even if it does involve starving to death.

What I want each person to take away from this message is simple, if you haven't educated your loved one on the White Castle Protocol, then there is no time to waste. Act now. When you buy the burgers for dinner make sure there is an "S" on the end. Always an "S" on the end. Plural is a must, not an option. A good rule of thumb is if your ordering for two people...twenty is a safe number. You can always throw a few leftovers back at say...2 or 3 a.m. when you wake up, can't get back to sleep, because the first six or seven you ate won't leave you alone long enough to land comfortably in R.E.M. sleep. Keep this in mind, we cannot afford this mistake to happen to anyone else ever again.

PS - My wife attended Charlestown High School.

PSS - The story ends with me eating my burger and my wife's burger for dinner. She ate my leftovers from Cheddar's. All's well that ends well.